Let me explain. We adopted from Guatemala, but my heart is feeling a HUGE pull towards Africa. I am not sure where or why. I don't know if it is to adopt. I feel that it is definitely to be involved with orphan care, but it seems so impossible and out of reach, that I feel silly even putting it out here. The only way I know to describe it is that it feels like there is a rope stretching from the country of Africa to my heart and every time I read something or see something about it, I feel like someone or something is pulling my very insides with an amazing amount of strength. I tell Jeff weekly that I feel if I don't get there, I am going to explode.
In my early twenties, I saw the African Children's Choir perform at my church and I remember crying for hours during and after. I remember telling God that I wanted to care for orphans full time on the mission field, in a foreign country one day. It was birthed in my heart that night. For years, adopting seemed like an unattainable dream. Until I STEPPED OUT IN FAITH and realized that it was not my dream to begin with. It was HIS and I was merely His vessel to love these children- His children. It amazes me that even though many years have passed, that dream laid dormant for many years as I got married and had Jake and lived my life the way I wanted, God began to use infertility to resurrect it in my life. He began to put a deep passion in my family's heart for orphans.
It seems impossible because I wouldn't even know how to get involved. We recently began going to a new church. We know that God has led us there, but there isn't a big missions program established. I know what you are thinking... "Maybe that is why you were led there, Amanda." THAT. OVERWHELMS. ME!!!
One thing I do know is that my time of 'sitting a pew' has come to an end! You see, we were heavily involved in a local church that was not interested in following the Holy Spirit and preaching the truth. The pastor just wanted to make people feel comfortable and wanted us to overlook blatant sin in the leadership. I spent a long time seeking the Lord about what was missing there and I feel He spoke clearly to me one night as I was running. He told me that there is a difference between giving your life to Jesus and exchanging the old ways for new ones (His ways) and incorporating Jesus into your existing one. The latter does NOT work and that was the mentality of the church we were attending. Not wanting to offend anyone, so we just ignore the sin and never speak the truth and disciple people in their Christian lives. After much prayer, my husband went to speak with the pastor. Jeff and this man had become fast friends and it hurt when he did not understand that we felt God was leading us away.
Now keep in mind, that Jeff did not go accusing or blaming... he just went and poured out his heart and told him what he felt he was getting from God. That ended badly and a friendship was severed and relationships lost. As hard as it was, we knew in our hearts that we had followed the leading of the Holy Spirit. This all happened as we were beginning Bella's adoption. Through our adoption, we continued to seek God's leading and tried to find a church. We visited and spent alot of time in prayer about it. We finally feel that we have found a place to call home, but I have been sticking to my mantra that I habitually recited to Jeff: "I just want to sit my pew in church. Go on Sundays and Wednesday nights and tell the people I pass 'Hello'" Well, I have sat long enough. The Holy Spirit is nudging me to get up and move!!
I can now say the I am READY! I feel a fire stirring in me that has not been present for many years. I am seeking HIS will for our family and truly wanting to hear. I am a very orderly person that likes things planned out and just so. you would think that 6 years of infertility and a 13-month adoption that took every wrong turn it could, would have gotten that out of me. I AM from the South and am VERY hard-headed! All of that to say, I am realizing that following God is about FOLLOWING. That is hard for me to do. I am a teacher... we LEAD. We PLAN. He is showing me that I am in a season of PREPARING. Not leading, so to say and not planning. The Bible tells me that 'the steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord', NOT of Amanda. I need to begin to prepare. Prepare spiritually and financially for what the Lord is calling our family to do in orphan care.
I have done several posts about this. I have used a phrase about 'bubbling on the inside'. God has shown me in the last week that it is time to stop 'bubbling' and start 'flooding' as I follow HIS lead. I know that if I will just follow step by step, we will reach the path and walk in it.
Two weeks ago, some friend's of ours brought home their daughter from Ethiopia. We went to meet her. Jake wanted to hold her so badly. He followed me around for a while until he finally asked me if I would ask her mom if he could hold her. He did and then we left. As we were walking out of their house, he told me "Mom, we have to adopt a little girl from Africa." To which I replied,"Baby, it is so expensive and we haven't even paid off Bella's adoption." I blew him off thinking he had baby fever because she is SO adorable. Well, we got in the car and drove a little further down the road and I heard him say, "Why can't we adopt again?" To which I said, "Jake, why don't you pray that if that is what God wants, He will make a way." He did not respond for a while.
I figured that had done the trick and it was over. I know... shame on me. I blew him off because it seems so unattainable right now. All of a sudden I heard his precious 10-year old voice from the backseat say, "Mommy, I will sell all of my stuff. Everything in my room to bring home a baby from there." Well... there went the floodgates. My 10 year old is willing to give everything he owns to give another child a home in his home and what am I willing to do? HE GETS IT! Wow! The things I have learned from my son.
Not only did he convict me, but he showed me that God has put a passion and caring and longing in his precious heart for orphans. God spoke to me right then and there and told me that He was giving me a glimmer into what He is doing in the hearts of each of us and how He is preparing us.
So, as I close this post, I am inclined to change the title, because I have realized there is something HE is trying to say to me. PREPARE, Amanda, PREPARE. I am going to search my things and see what I can sell and do an inventory on my wastefulness. I KNOW there are ways my entire family can sacrifice to bring another child into our home and prepare for full-time missions work. These are the things I can do right now and I will leave the details to Him!
