What if?

my heart is heavy. i am once again at a loss for words about what is going on these days in my heart and spirit, as well as my husband's. we have such a burden for orphans. it was a burden long before we decided to adopt Isabella, but it has grown ever since we met her. i believe it is because every day that I look into her precious face, i remember the little girl that we brought home in Oct. of 2007. i remember the precious little ones that would hold their little arms to me as I passed their cribs in their orphanages. although their eyes showed an expression that told me they didn't really expect to be picked up and held, they almost innately did it despite their hopelessness. each time i look at those big, brown eyes, i am taken back to other eyes standing sheepishly in a corner of her orphanage with a longing look that i was there for them. i am caught up in the memories of preschool and toddler-aged children running up to me as that green metal gate opened in hopes that i had something special to give them that they could call their own, or just wanting a hug and attention that they knew a momma or daddy could so lovingly give.

you see, the bella you see in pictures on my blog, on facebook albums or that some of you know personally, isn't the bella that always was. grant it, the Lord had His mighty hand on her during the time she was in the hogar in guatemala, but it was months after coming home that we actually heard her laugh. imagine your child being over 13 months old before you heard a laugh leave their mouth. it is hard for parents to go there, isn't it. bella was 13 months old and had never felt or seen grass, heard the purr of a kitten or had the opportunity to pet an animal. she had a blast feeling the wind blow on her face. she had not felt the coldness of ice cream in her mouth. that is hard for some of you to read without tears welling up n your eyes or an understanding of it all.

the truth of the matter is that my daughter and your children or other children that you know are the blessed ones. but i struggle with that to a degree. the reason is because WHY my child when there are millions of others that are not so blessed. what makes mine so 'lucky'? the only explanation i have is that the God of this universe choose bella to be my daughter, through adoption and jake to be my son through birth. now, this next statement is not meant to sound haughty or prideful or make me and my husband look like heroes. so... please don't leave me any nasty comments, but continue reading and hopefully you will get my point... you see, the difference is that God laid out His plan in the midst of ours and we obeyed. it was NOT an easy path. it got down right hard and at times seemed like the very breath in me was going to smother me as it left my body. BUT GOD!

we began our adoption with NOTHING in our savings account, my husband out of work because of a back injury and me starting a new job. yet, God met EVERY ounce of our need for money and strength at THE time of need. He used my parents, our friends, strangers that gave us money, things to sell and words of encouragement with lots of prayer.

many will not agree with me, but i am tired of hearing 'that is just not my thing'. NOT YOUR THING??? children that go to bed hungry, crying for the touch of someone, wondering if they belong, missing parents that they lost or never knew are NOT YOUR THING? that bothers me. it should bother you. i am not saying that you MUST adopt. i AM saying that if you call yourself a follower of Christ--- then it IS YOUR thing. at least, my Bible says (many times over) that it is. you may not adopt, but you can help others that are adopting or have a desire.

at about 4:15 in the morning, i awoke to the sound of little feet shuffling along my wood floors and stopping at the foot of my bed to climb a hope chest that would lead to my pillow. without hesitation, the covers were pulled back and a squishy little body slipped in between her mommy and her daddy. those tiny little hands grabbed me around my neck, pulled me in close and squeezed me tightly. she then settled in behind my back and found her place like a missing piece to a puzzle. with my sleepy voice i asked her if she was here because she needed her mommy. with a raspy, sleepy voice she replied, "yes, i wub you, mommy." melt. my. heart. she knew she belonged. belonged here.

she, of course, went right to sleep. i, on the other hand, laid awake with tears running down my cheeks wondering how many precious little ones were laying in a bed at that moment longing for a mommy to fit with while they slept. how many boys would awake in the morning and pray for a daddy to throw the baseball with, or teach them how to ride a bike? how many little girls would awake in the morning to wish they had a mommy to make their hair pretty or show them how to tie their shoes? it made me sad. it was definitely a bitter-sweet moment for me.

then i lay there remembering the events from earlier in the night. we took bella to her first lsu baseball game in our new stadium. we all dressed in our lsu attire- jake in his baseball jersey, bella in her cheerleading uniform and me and jeff in our purple and gold clothes-- the ultimate fans. she and jake had a BLAST cheering on the tigers. at one point in the night while she was sitting on her daddy's lap, she put both of her arms out and grabbed jake and i around the neck. with a big smile on her face she said, " i am so glad you are my family. we are a family." WOW! take. my. breath. away.

i had a very sobering moment wondering "what if" we would have not been willing to take that step of faith? had not obeyed? had not been willing to sacrifice and put our hearts and emotions out there? what would have happened to bella? what is happening to the children waiting each moment of every day? surely, God is big enough that bella may have been taken care of because someone else was willing to. but, "what if?" there are millions (over 147 million) more children that are waiting for us to step out of our comfort zone into the unknown and bring a child or children into our families.

we are still trying to recoup from bella's adoption that took longer than expected. i am in diligent prayer that we get to a point where we can bring home more children to our family. our hearts' desire is to sell everything, and move to a place where we can oversee an orphanage or children's home or just be parents to many orphans. we pray daily that He would open that door. we are counting the cost and realize just what that would mean for our lives as we know them right now. there is nothing we long for more, but that opportunity has not presented itself as of yet. so, i pray, that in the mean time, if their is another child(ren) that He has for us, that He would lead us to them and provide the way financially for us to do it. i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are willing to do whatever He asks us to do. we are not limiting Him or fixating on our plans. we strictly want to follow wherever He may lead us. we are not sure what exactly that looks like, but we are constantly seeking.

think about it- is there a child waiting on you? waiting for you to step up? waiting on you to dry their tears, or teach them how to jump rope, or hold them when they are sick or scared? all i ask, is that you pray and ask Him what He wants you to do. if you truly ask, He WILL show you and lives just may be changed!