living in the now

I am in a very emotional place right now. I talked to my friend, Jane yesterday and have been crying ever since. Be patient with me during this post, because it may be scattered. The words may not come out coherently... I will try my best.

Many of you know what we faced trying to get Isabella home. Our attorney was Susana Luarca and she used our case to blaze the way for cases to get through Family Court for approval instead of PGN. It was hell, to say the least. Did I always handle each problem well? NO!! At times, it seemed as though we were living a Lifetime Movie gone bad. Should I have trusted God all the way? Yes, but I am human and He knows this. Did I grow? YES!! All of that to say, that He was faithful even though I always was not.

As I talked to Jane, my heart was broken all over again. The current state of suspended adoptions has got to be the WORST state ever. My heart is breaking for all of the Mommas and Daddies and siblings waiting for their child in Guatemala. Unless you have ever adopted and had to leave your child in another country, you will not understand this brokenness that these families are experiencing. I used to read blogs of families that had their child home and would get angry and hurt because we just could not seem to catch that break. Looking back, I now know that she came home in that PERFECT time and that EVERY setback changed me and stretched my faith in BIG ways, but it does not take away the pain of missing so much of my daughter's first year of life. It does not change the tears I cried each night and each special occasion we celebrated without her. I would lay awake in bed and just cry until the tears ran dry thinking of her in the crib in the hogar. Wondering if anyone was running to her crib when she cried in the middle of the night or if she awakened each day to smiles and kisses. It was hard.

I look at my daughter these days and cry, but the tears are coming from a different place and have a different motive now. I cannot imagine life with out her. It is amazing how she just "fits" our family. God is so awesome. I used to sing songs in church about how awesome our God is and truly never grasped that concept until I met Isabella. Every detail of her adoption was orchestrated by my BIG God. I look at her and cry for her birthmom. Jake is our biological child and I cannot imagine not knowing where he was for the rest of his life. To love your child so much that you are willing to live out the rest of your days not knowing where your child is living, who is taking care of her, what values they are instilling into her life... those are hard things to not know. Yet, this woman did just that. That, to me is LOVE! I have also come to realize the love that my Heavenly Father has for me. I became a Christian at a young age and grew up hearing how God loves me, but until I experienced the miracle of adoption, I never really GOT it. Does that make sense? Am I making sense?

I guess I don't know what I am trying to say. I know that my heart is hurting for all of you stuck in this political mess. I mean, truly aching and hurting. I do not say that lightly, nor am I saying it because it just seems like what someone should say. I have bawled the past few weeks over this. Words are sometimes empty, but prayers are not. I am praying for you and your children and will rejoice with you when they come home to join their forever families. Things never got this bad during our adoption with the overall system. But for our individual case, things were bad. We came close several times, for our adoption to end. I have never shared the details with you and may never, unless I go private. But those of you that read this and know... it was shaky many times for us. I truly believe that what God starts, He completes. I will be with you all until that completion takes place.

I did not title this post, because I don't know that I said anything at all. I just tried to share my heart... a broken heart, yet a grateful heart. It is my prayer that He wrap you in His arms and that those same arms will be the defender of your child and bring justice to this unjust thing the government officials are doing. I pray that He turn the hearts of these officials toward the children and their families. I know that is something that does not look possible right now. But I serve a God that turns the impossible around.

Standing with all of you...

amanda