jake

today is the opening tournament that kicks off our baseball season. i am so excited!!!!! i just love watching my son, jake, play ball. he plays with such a passion- kind of like he lives his life! He will mostly play catcher for the team. he has been watching our LSU catcher, micah gibbs, and has gotten the way he pops up as the ball is pitched to the hitter, down to an art and it is such a joy for this momma to watch!

now, i am going to have a 'proud momma' moment... last night at his practice, his coach decided to have a friendly competition amongest the team players. they had stations where they rotated and participated in a skill. at the end of the practice, his coach, announced the winners and jake won the most catches in a row. he got a special baseball that they all oohhhed and aaahhhed over. then he announced the winner of the pop fly contest and most of the boys thought that jake's best friend, zak would be the winner. well, he came in third, but another one of jake's friends won that one. the final winner was most overall points, and jake won that, as well. the prize was a $5 bill. i could see on his face that he was quite proud and being the mom that i am, i rushed to his side as he packed his equipment up to 'remind' him not to brag.

i wasn't expecting the response i got from him. he looked at me like i was crazy and said, "why would i brag? where is zak?" i asked him why he needed zak and he said 'because i want to give him my $5. i watched him from my station and i think he did an incredible job. he deserves this and i want him to have it." yes, i had to walk away before he or anyone else saw the tears in my eyes. i LOVE that my son has this heart for others. he truly lives as Jesus asks (commands) us to live. he wants SO badly to just be like Jesus. i learn SO much from him on a daily basis. he just takes God at His word and lives his life. i also LOVE that he has his friend's back and is willing to let him know how proud of him he is. i canNOT wait to see what God has in store for his life, but he has already amazed me and he is only 10! i pray daily that God would give jeff and i the grace and wisdom to help him find the path the Lord has laid out for him.

i haven't posted pics in a while because my computer crashed and i was not able to load pics to my school computer. i will post some of him playing ball this weekend.

Please pray for my friend Tricia, the Joys of Mommy on my bloglist. she and her hubby are in china right now! on monday, she will meet her daughter, lydda for the first time and be arriving home with her the friday after easter. we cannot wait to meet her! pray for a smooth transition and peace for her little heart. thanks!

What if?

my heart is heavy. i am once again at a loss for words about what is going on these days in my heart and spirit, as well as my husband's. we have such a burden for orphans. it was a burden long before we decided to adopt Isabella, but it has grown ever since we met her. i believe it is because every day that I look into her precious face, i remember the little girl that we brought home in Oct. of 2007. i remember the precious little ones that would hold their little arms to me as I passed their cribs in their orphanages. although their eyes showed an expression that told me they didn't really expect to be picked up and held, they almost innately did it despite their hopelessness. each time i look at those big, brown eyes, i am taken back to other eyes standing sheepishly in a corner of her orphanage with a longing look that i was there for them. i am caught up in the memories of preschool and toddler-aged children running up to me as that green metal gate opened in hopes that i had something special to give them that they could call their own, or just wanting a hug and attention that they knew a momma or daddy could so lovingly give.

you see, the bella you see in pictures on my blog, on facebook albums or that some of you know personally, isn't the bella that always was. grant it, the Lord had His mighty hand on her during the time she was in the hogar in guatemala, but it was months after coming home that we actually heard her laugh. imagine your child being over 13 months old before you heard a laugh leave their mouth. it is hard for parents to go there, isn't it. bella was 13 months old and had never felt or seen grass, heard the purr of a kitten or had the opportunity to pet an animal. she had a blast feeling the wind blow on her face. she had not felt the coldness of ice cream in her mouth. that is hard for some of you to read without tears welling up n your eyes or an understanding of it all.

the truth of the matter is that my daughter and your children or other children that you know are the blessed ones. but i struggle with that to a degree. the reason is because WHY my child when there are millions of others that are not so blessed. what makes mine so 'lucky'? the only explanation i have is that the God of this universe choose bella to be my daughter, through adoption and jake to be my son through birth. now, this next statement is not meant to sound haughty or prideful or make me and my husband look like heroes. so... please don't leave me any nasty comments, but continue reading and hopefully you will get my point... you see, the difference is that God laid out His plan in the midst of ours and we obeyed. it was NOT an easy path. it got down right hard and at times seemed like the very breath in me was going to smother me as it left my body. BUT GOD!

we began our adoption with NOTHING in our savings account, my husband out of work because of a back injury and me starting a new job. yet, God met EVERY ounce of our need for money and strength at THE time of need. He used my parents, our friends, strangers that gave us money, things to sell and words of encouragement with lots of prayer.

many will not agree with me, but i am tired of hearing 'that is just not my thing'. NOT YOUR THING??? children that go to bed hungry, crying for the touch of someone, wondering if they belong, missing parents that they lost or never knew are NOT YOUR THING? that bothers me. it should bother you. i am not saying that you MUST adopt. i AM saying that if you call yourself a follower of Christ--- then it IS YOUR thing. at least, my Bible says (many times over) that it is. you may not adopt, but you can help others that are adopting or have a desire.

at about 4:15 in the morning, i awoke to the sound of little feet shuffling along my wood floors and stopping at the foot of my bed to climb a hope chest that would lead to my pillow. without hesitation, the covers were pulled back and a squishy little body slipped in between her mommy and her daddy. those tiny little hands grabbed me around my neck, pulled me in close and squeezed me tightly. she then settled in behind my back and found her place like a missing piece to a puzzle. with my sleepy voice i asked her if she was here because she needed her mommy. with a raspy, sleepy voice she replied, "yes, i wub you, mommy." melt. my. heart. she knew she belonged. belonged here.

she, of course, went right to sleep. i, on the other hand, laid awake with tears running down my cheeks wondering how many precious little ones were laying in a bed at that moment longing for a mommy to fit with while they slept. how many boys would awake in the morning and pray for a daddy to throw the baseball with, or teach them how to ride a bike? how many little girls would awake in the morning to wish they had a mommy to make their hair pretty or show them how to tie their shoes? it made me sad. it was definitely a bitter-sweet moment for me.

then i lay there remembering the events from earlier in the night. we took bella to her first lsu baseball game in our new stadium. we all dressed in our lsu attire- jake in his baseball jersey, bella in her cheerleading uniform and me and jeff in our purple and gold clothes-- the ultimate fans. she and jake had a BLAST cheering on the tigers. at one point in the night while she was sitting on her daddy's lap, she put both of her arms out and grabbed jake and i around the neck. with a big smile on her face she said, " i am so glad you are my family. we are a family." WOW! take. my. breath. away.

i had a very sobering moment wondering "what if" we would have not been willing to take that step of faith? had not obeyed? had not been willing to sacrifice and put our hearts and emotions out there? what would have happened to bella? what is happening to the children waiting each moment of every day? surely, God is big enough that bella may have been taken care of because someone else was willing to. but, "what if?" there are millions (over 147 million) more children that are waiting for us to step out of our comfort zone into the unknown and bring a child or children into our families.

we are still trying to recoup from bella's adoption that took longer than expected. i am in diligent prayer that we get to a point where we can bring home more children to our family. our hearts' desire is to sell everything, and move to a place where we can oversee an orphanage or children's home or just be parents to many orphans. we pray daily that He would open that door. we are counting the cost and realize just what that would mean for our lives as we know them right now. there is nothing we long for more, but that opportunity has not presented itself as of yet. so, i pray, that in the mean time, if their is another child(ren) that He has for us, that He would lead us to them and provide the way financially for us to do it. i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are willing to do whatever He asks us to do. we are not limiting Him or fixating on our plans. we strictly want to follow wherever He may lead us. we are not sure what exactly that looks like, but we are constantly seeking.

think about it- is there a child waiting on you? waiting for you to step up? waiting on you to dry their tears, or teach them how to jump rope, or hold them when they are sick or scared? all i ask, is that you pray and ask Him what He wants you to do. if you truly ask, He WILL show you and lives just may be changed!

Haiti

I’ve tried to sit down and write something about the trip several times, but always seemed to get overwhelmed. When this opportunity first presented itself, I became totally worthless…more so than normal!! My heart and mind were consumed with the pain and need in Haiti. The previous 2 posts by Amanda tell you how this came to be. God could have stopped with the miracle of just getting me there and I would’ve been blessed, but He didn’t. This was just the beginning of the wildest ride I’ve ever been on and I believe it will be difficult to top. I want to lay a little foundation before I get into the meat of the experience. Most people have a hard time believing that I’m a shy person and being pushed out of my comfort zone to fly to Fort Lauderdale and meet with a group of people that I’ve never met and then fly to Haiti to work with more people that I’ve never met, was a step of faith for me, to put it mildly. I usually tend to withdraw somewhat when pushed into situations similar to this, but this time was different. I’ve experienced the peace of God before, but this was unbelievable. Not one time did I ever experience any anxiety that was not totally covered by His peace…from the beginning to the end. It was that supernatural peace that surpasses all understanding that His word speaks about. This doesn’t mean that I was void of emotion…quite the opposite. I had to keep my thoughts and conversation in check, because if I discussed the support I was getting from people I didn’t know or the orphan situation, I started getting pretty emotional, no, real emotional. It’s hard to try and be manly while your standing there crying like a baby…get the picture.!!LOL
Saturday morning I boarded a flight to Ft. Lauderdale, with a brief connection in Memphis. This is where God started blowing me away. I was waiting to board my connection to Florida and was talking to a friend of mine on my cell. I was telling him about the situation in Haiti and what we were supposed to be doing, when this lady sitting next to me, with tears in her eyes, handed me a wad of cash. I said thank you and stuck it in my pocket and finished my phone call. When I hung up she proceeded to tell me that she over heard the conversation and wanted to help and asked my name so she could keep me lifted up in prayer. I thanked her again and had to walk off and have another tear session. I can’t begin to tell you how humbling this entire event was for me…from the beginning until even now! When I landed in Ft. Lauderdale, I met up with a young lady from Michigan named Betsy. Betsy is a friend of Brian. I guess at this point I should run through some quick genealogy so I don’t get you confused. Betsy is a friend of Brian who is a friend of Kelly. Kelly is the director of Love Beyond Borders adoption agency. Brian is a Guatadad (Dad who adopted from Guatemala) who met Kelly while on a trip to Guatemala. When the need for people to go on this endeavor was discovered, Kelly of course was totally swamped, she’s in Colorado BTW, so Brian steps up to help coordinate things (Brian is in Michigan…don’t hold it against him). I’ve never met Brian face to face, but I will tell you from our phone conversations and what he personally gave up to make this happen, this dude is the real deal. I can’t say that I’ve met anyone as genuine and giving as this man…hats off to ya, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again…YOU ARE THE MAN!!!! Betsy made contact with our ride and we were off to the executive airport. We met with several folks of the LBB board and 2 more volunteers that were friends of Brian’s, Tod and his father. I believe that Brian and these 2 guys come from a very similar mold. They would be handling the operations needed in Florida while Betsy and I would head down to Haiti. When God does something, He does it right. I have NEVER worked with a finer group of people than this…ever!!

Even though I didn’t get to spend much time with them, the time we were connected was amazing. The job they did was incredible and without THEM, I don’t believe this would have been a success. After we had laid out our plans and the plans were to bring home, I believe it was, 42 children, we scheduled our flight down to Haiti for 10:00am the following morning, which was Sunday. BTW, did I mention that I didn’t have hardly any money and things are SUPER tight for us right now, so I only had a little cash on me…after all, I really didn’t think I was going to need any in Haiti. This meant I was going to need to get a room for the night. Guess how much the room was??? It was $99.85. Guess how much money that God-sent lady in Memphis gave me??? $100.00…15 cents to spare. Ain’t God Good!! We flew on a donated corporate jet belonging to Owens Illinois, a glass manufacturing company. This thing was laid out. I kind of felt guilty flying into Haiti in such a luxurious plane…OK, maybe not too guilty. Once we landed in PAP, Becky and I made contact with an adoptive dad named Rob. Rob and his wife Lisa have been in process for 2 years to bring home a precious 6 year old boy named Morelson. We hung out next to the MAF hanger at the far east end of the runway for around 5 hours before we got a text message from our crew in Florida to get to the embassy ASAP. Here comes another plug for God. You can’t just hale a cab and say “take us to the embassy”. We were walking towards the tarmac to see what we could find, when all of a sudden the missionary that Rob was telling us about comes driving up and there was our lift to the embassy. I know this sounds trivial, but understand 1. where we are and 2. what’s going on. The ride to the embassy was like driving in most 3rd world countries (NASCAR race @ Talladega) , but this was like driving in 3 races at once with zero rules. The embassy is probably about 5 miles from the airport, as the crow flies, but took us ~ an hour to an hour and a half. You get the idea. Finally get to the embassy. Give them our passports and they tell us that they can’t get anyone on the phone to verify why we’re there and they won’t let us in. Yep, OUR embassy and sorry, go away. After 15 minutes of trying to explain the situation, a couple of federal agents (DOS Diplomatic Security) lots of weapons and attitude, ask if they can help and of course we let them…I mean, why argue, the dude had more guns than I did!! The agent that waited with us outside happened to be a Nawlin’s (New Orleans for the yankees reading this) boy and that really aided in breaking through his wall. Not to mention the Saints were playing in the championship shortly, so there was plenty to talk about. After about 45 minutes we were escorted to the area of the embassy were the children were being processed. After seeing this area a couple of days after tonight, really shed some light on the chaos that must have been present that day. There were soiled diapers, trash, mattresses and stuff I didn’t really recognize everywhere. Like, I mean everywhere. Once we were in there Stephanie, adoption coordinator, shoves a kid into my arms and says, “Here, you take this one, now get these kids out of here and on a plane, NOW!!” I said, “Nice to meet you too!” …kidding! I said “Yes, ma’am” and ran outta there as fast as I could. I didn’t want her to be able to catch me, I’ll take my chances with the Federal Agents and Marines!! Seriously, Steph is an amazing person that doesn’t get the credit due her…more on that later. Once we were outside, we were escorted to the airport by these agents and military people to the consular section, where we were processed and manifested to get on a plane and escort these children home to their forever families, something I had really been looking forward to having the honor of doing.

Well, Betsy, or God, still haven’t decided which yet, had other plans.LOL You see, we brought 7 children out, but there was one more coming and the plane wouldn’t wait. Betsy gave me the option of staying or staying…so I stayed. There were 2 things that I really wanted to do and it looked like I wasn’t going to be able to do either, 1. place one of these precious babies in their families arms forever and 2. fly out on an Air Force C-17. Honestly, I was pretty bummed, but I knew that if it meant me missing out on these things that God had something better in mind. I got to find out that my team was going to the Super Bowl!!! After all of the craziness, Betsy left and I found out after the flight left, that the child I was waiting on, made it on that flight. I know Betsy was amazing at escorting these children through customs and to their forever families. She hung in there for over 20 more hours and saw it through to the end…way to go!!!!
I called Rob and we went back down to our original meeting spot and climbed in a tent on the side of the runway. Got a couple of hours sleep and I woke up around 5:30 and went outside and began praying. Even in a place that has just been decimated by one of the deadliest earthquakes in history, there was a strange calm about it. Rob and I were picked up by Stephanie and brought to the embassy where we spent the next 2 days lobbying for the release of these innocent children. Which brings up my favorite charity…UNICEF. The more I see of them, the more I firmly believe they were birthed in hell!! I equate them to Al Qaeda because they have terrorized the adoption process and community. UNICEF believes that a child should remain in his/her culture and should not be available for adoption. Adoption is an option only before institutionalizing. I understand trying to stop child trafficking, but get your stuff together before you approach an adoptive father with 2 kids in his arms accusing him of this horrible crime. Adoptive parents that have been through a horrible process would not be your best choice for someone to pick on in this fashion. It almost got real ugly at the airport with this very situation. Stephanie and I were walking down the street to get to the embassy when we passed a brand new SUV with 4 smug, snotty looking people, dressed nicely sitting in it in traffic. We looked down at the door and , yep, you guessed it…Our friends from UNICEF. I’ve never wanted to commit a violent crime more in my life than right there. I won’t go into any more details, but those of you that know me, know exactly what I’m talking about.
I want to talk about a person that is way under appreciated. Her name is Stephanie Thoet. She is the adoption coordinator for LBB. Being an adoptive parent myself, gives me a different perspective on what she actually does. Now I don’t know what she does with a normal adoption, if that really exists. This girl worked 9, 10, 11 days in a row for 12-14 hours a day. She did this with limited food (protein bars mostly with an occasional peanut butter cracker), warm water to drink and hardly any sleep. Not too many hotels to check into! This is not the normal duties of someone in this role, but then again Stephanie isn’t a normal person. She has an undying love for these children, she knows each one by name and they know her. She really has relationships with all of these children. I watched her fight, get mad and cry, a lot, for these children. If your in process and she is your coordinator, think twice before you get upset about your case…she fights like a marine for these/your children. This is only a rough outline of the trip. The stories I heard about the tragedy of death and destruction are many…I’ve shed a many a tear and I’ll never be the same. I know looking at this storyline that it is easy to say that it might have been fairly boring.

Trust me, it wasn’t even close to boring. God did a work in me that I can’t begin to describe and through it all He showed me that he really does care about the details.
Remember earlier I said there were 2 things I wanted to be able to do. One of them was to fly on a C-17. When we got to the airport to leave late Tuesday night, there was a group of people boarding a C-17. We were next in line, 3 of us, but the plane was full. So we waited for the next available plane, no guarantee of what it would be. I kept watching for another C-17 to land, but none did. The Federal Agents came and got us and said it’s time to go and started leading us down the tarmac. I was bummed because the only planes I saw land and go down there were chartered commercial planes, but at least I would get to my family soon. Well, much to my surprise, hiding in the shadows was a C-17 with my name on it. The Nawlin’s agent said, “Well Jeff, it looks like you’re gonna get your wish.” It’s just like God to play a trick on you, like having that plane sitting down there out of site just to surprise you with such a small detail. I love you, My Jesus…you always amaze me!!!

I want to share more about the burden God seems to have birthed in me and Amanda for that matter, for Haiti and its people, but that will be the next post within the next few days. Stay tuned…. I hope you will be back….

Jeff and Haiti

As I type this, my husband, Jeff, is in the air and we are eagerly anticipating his arrival home. He left Saturday to aid in processing orphans and escorting them home to their waiting families in the U.S. I know many of you have read what is going on in the adoption world of Haiti. UNICEF has once again reared its UGLY head and managed to bring things to a chaotic stand still. Jeff has only touched on some things that he witnessed, experienced, and stood in awe of while there. Jeff agreed to write a post about what they did while he was there, as well as shed some light on UNICEF and what they are doing right now. It is truly sickening! I feel comfortable discussing these issues because it is not merely here say, but what he witnessed with his own eyes and experienced daily as he went in and out of the embassy and sat there for hours on end dealing with the process changing almost by the minute, as well as the antics of UNICEF representatives. The focus of his post will not be UNICEF, but I do want him to share what his team experienced with them. I want him to focus on seeing love conquering tragedy, people from different backgrounds coming together for our neighbors and a need that is almost too great to describe. I know that he came back with more of a burden for Haiti than before. Before this earthquake, I can say that we had not thought much about Haiti, but once this tragedy happened, something began to burn inside the both of us. It was days before we even mentioned it to each other. (To see how he ended up in Haiti, read the post below.-- it is TRULY amazing!) He told me on the phone today that he fell in love with the people and made several contacts. He feels we have a work to do there and we will begin praying about what that work may be and for God to begin opening doors.

I must say, life this Wednesday is different than life last Wednesday! It amazes me how your life can change in the blink of an eye when God is in control! So, I hope you will check back in the next few days, as he begins to share with us. It will probably take a few posts to tell it all.

Stay tuned.....

Obedience and Timing

Last time we "talked", I was telling you about needing to prepare and not plan. I can say that I have seen some growth in that area! The aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti has been heavily weighing on my heart and Jeff's heart and mind. We, like many of the world, have felt so helpless. I know that God's timing is perfect, yet, if I am being honest, I can say that having a desire to do His work with orphans and the hurting of this world and not seeing the opportunity or feeling the doors opening is very frustrating and discouraging. I realized that I was letting the things that prohibit me from going and doing (like finances) get the best of me, until this past week. Something broke in me and I decided to approach it with a different mind-set.

It hit me Thursday, that I KNOW we are called. I do not doubt that for one moment. So, my prayers began to change. That morning I began my day thanking God for His call on our lives and told him that we were willing to go and it was up to Him to make us able. That night, I was soaking in a bubble bath (that seems to be the one place that I get still and relax and am able to talk to Him and listen) and I prayed a prayer that I think thrust us somewhere onto the path He desires us to walk for the rest of our lives. Before I tell you what I prayed, let me lay some ground work...

I do not like being alone. Never have. In fact, I tend to avoid it at all costs. Jeff and I have talked in the past about one of us going on short-term mission trips, only to have me decide that I can't go without him and don't want him going without me. I know... selfish and yet, it was more of a scared thing. But, Thursday night was different...

Our church mentioned last week that they will be planning a mission trip to Haiti once the timing is right for groups to move in and help. I knew that we could not afford for both of us to go and had my doubts about even one of us! but, all of a sudden I found myself saying these words: "Lord, Jeff and I have such a burden for the orphans of Haiti- a country that I have not thought much about before (I am ashamed to say)- and for some reason this is different than any other burden we have carried. If you have something for us to do there, please open the door. I have NO idea what it could be since we have no contacts there or any ties to that country. I know that I am not in a place to go because of my job, but Jeff is much more flexible with his. If you open a door and provide financially, I am okay with him going. I trust you and will obey without question." Now, let me say this, I do not believe that He needed my approval. He did need my surrender, though. A peace like I have only felt a few times in my life, came over me right then and there. I got out of the tub and told Jeff what I had just prayed and did not think much more about it.

As we were going to bed that night, I had this burning desire to write a status update on FB about how I was feeling about Haiti. It was the first time I posted anything about it since it happened. I got in the bed and as I was falling asleep, I realized that my friend, Billie, had sent me a message on FB. I was comfortable, and decided that it could wait to read until the morning. Jeff left for work before me, as he always does each morning. I read it before leaving the house and when I talked to him on my way, I mentioned that she had sent a message saying that half-way through reading my update after I posted it, (did I mention that it was about 3 hours after my prayer in the tub), she thought of an e-mail she received from a friend of hers. Her friend runs an organization that was in need of able and willing individuals that could give 3-5 days of their time, to fly to Ft. Lauderdale, FL and then to Haiti to help some of the orphans in 2 orphanages get their visas done and then escort them home to the US for their waiting families. The catch was that they had to provide their own way there and take care of their needs once there. Well, I immediately thought, "man, if only we had extra money for a ticket, Jeff could go. He is off Monday and Tuesday and would only have to take a few days vacation." I mentioned it to him when talking, but only as a "man, I-wish-you-could-go sort of thing". Later that day he was texting me for Billie's phone number and 2 hours later telling me some amazing news...

He spoke to her and then decided to get more information. I kindly reminded him that we did not have the financial means to get him there and he ignored me! As I was hanging up, I suddenly remembered what I had prayed the night before. I then repented and began telling God that I trusted Him and if He was opening that door, then we were willing to walk through it and trust Him for the means to do the task at hand. Well, he called me at 4:30 Friday afternoon and informed me that he would be boarding a plane for FL and then onto to Haiti to escort these precious children home!!! Oh, and someone had paid for his ticket and was sending money down for him to have his needs met while there!!!!!!!!!!! Can I just tell you how my head went into orbit??!!

Less than 24 hours from totally surrendering to His will and way, He had thrust open a door and man was it a door! We later found out that not only was he going to be helping to care for these children there, but he will actually be delivering the children into the hands of their parents that have been waiting, praying and longing for them to come home. Those of you that followed our adoption, know that we faced some major set backs and challenges. There were times that it looked as though she would not come home. It was one spiritual battle after another. BUT ... GOD!!!!! Jeff knows somewhat how these parents are feeling and can relate. It seems that we have come full circle and now my husband has been so blessed to be chosen by the Lord to be a part of something so miraculous and wonderful and BIG. What an honor. What a privilege. What a great and mighty God we serve!

As I said goodbye to my husband this morning, I looked at him and began to say "you do know that the next time I see you" and before I could finish, he looked back at me and said, "I will be a different man. Take a good look at me because the next time you see me, I will be changed forever and much more determined to seek Him for His will for our lives." WOW! Who would have guessed that such a simple prayer of surrender to Him could bring such a pivotal thing in our lives.

Many have asked me how I am able to stay back with my children, go to work Monday and not be jealous. I can only respond with "God". I know this is His doing. I may not be able to be there on the ground, but Jeff is representing us. We are one. We became 'ONE' the day we said our vows almost 13 years ago. Today I fully understand what that means- not just in theory, but in reality. My time will come. I would love to be experiencing this with him. But while he is there doing what task he has been given, I will be here accomplishing mine. Learning to trust HIM fully. I will not know where my husband is at all hours of the next 4 days, like I normally do. I did not realize how much I took that for granted- how much security that brought me until today. It is probable that I will not talk to Jeff after Sunday morning until Wednesday. That hasn't happened in 14 years! Not only that, but you are aware of the conditions and risks in Haiti right now. They are flying by the seat of their pants, moving and doing at a moments notice. He is getting a crash course in flexibility and I am getting one in total trust.

I have determined that I WILL pass this one with nothing other than a A plus. I am resting in Him and when the anxious feeling of not being in control of the details of Jeff's days and nights in a chaotic foreign country with no way to reach him and maybe not even receive updates, hit me-- well, I will fall on my knees and T-R-U-S-T Him.

Every now and then, I am hit with this overwhelming knowledge that the God of this universe, chose Jeff to participate in this very special thing He is doing with the orphans waiting to join their forever families. WOW! But... then my heart is heavy for those that will be left behind and it breaks and I am more aware that there is still so much work to be done for not only the orphans of Haiti, but orphans everywhere. Awareness needs to be made, children need to be adopted, children need to be fed, have their thirst quenched with clean water, clothed, loved and brought to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I know that this is just the beginning and we have turned a pivotal point on the path that He has chosen my family to walk with Him. I cannot wait to see where it leads...

A Different Purpose

The title above has a two-fold meaning. One is that this blog is going to begin to serve a different purpose. It was, originally, meant to continue updates about our family since Bella came home from Guatemala. However, let's face it, I am NOT loyal to weekly or even monthly updates! I plan to use it more as a journal of what God is doing in my life and will update things about my kiddos from time to time. I just need a place to work through what He is doing and this is as good a place as any for me. The other meaning is that I feel the winds of change coming, so to speak. I have said before that I feel a 'bubbling' in my life and did not understand it fully. While I still don't, I do feel that God is wanting to take me to a new, deeper level in Him and with Him this upcoming year.

Let me explain...

I have felt the pull to a foreign land working with orphans for a long time. Although, I resisted it and tried to ignore it in my teen years, it did not disappear. In my twenties, it would surface and sometimes I pushed it back and other times I would ponder it and wonder, 'what if...'. When I met Jeff in my early twenties and heard him talk with such passion about going back to Nicaragua and running an orphanage, something leaped inside. Had I found someone who was 'toying' with this idea of being a missionary? Was it possible that someone else felt this way? (I would find out 7 years later when we began dating again and got married 9 months later, that, yes, it was possible.) In my thirties, I found myself saying to others "Jeff and I want to work with and care for orphans in another country one day." Then my mid-thirties brought me to realize that 'one day' was passing me by and I was NO closer to this happening than I was in my twenties. In fact it hit me 2 years ago, that we were further away from it than ever before!

This brings me to what I want to talk about. I have felt something for a long time. Something that I have shared with no one. Something that I have struggled with. Let me begin with saying that if you know me, you know I do not want to ever be accused of being a hypocrite. And I think that is where the struggle has come. You see, I am a black and white kind of person. I have been told before that I am too hard on others and the standard to which I hold them. That stems from standards I have for myself. These standards are sometimes unattainable. I. struggle. with. perfectionism. NOT being perfect, but feeling the overwhelming pressure to do everything in my power (and more) to make that happen. "that" being perfect.

Am I making ANY sense? I know I am all over the place. Bear with me... I promise it will come together and be worth it! :)

You see in my mind if I felt the call then I should have spent these last 12, almost 13 years of my marriage to Jeff, preparing and doing things that would get us there. But instead, we got caught up in the married life. You know what I am talking about... the house, the cars, the kids the things for the kids, the trips, and on and on and on.... SO now, we are further away and that dream and desire and calling are almost a speck on the horizon from this ship called My Life. I feel like I have spent the last 2 years trying to jump ship into a small boat and am paddling furiously toward that speck. As you can imagine, I am getting NO where FAST! In my perfectionist mind, I am done. I have messed up, if you will, and that reality is dead and gone.

We went to Guatemala in June and really thought we were going to get some answers and direction. Direction about where the Lord wanted us and how it would unfold. Instead, I came back with a supernatural bond having taken place between my children and the reality that I was involved with an organization that I was not supposed to be involved with. Some direction was given, but it is not what I expected. I found out what I was not to do and was left with more unanswered questions. I am glad that He shined the light on some things, revealed to me that I was going in a direction that was not to be for us, but really wished He would have told me more of what I should now do.

As hard as it was to resign from this organization, I did it. I was worried about how I would look to others. How I would be judged as a flake. How things would be able to be said about me. PRIDE. There I said it. BUT, I overcame it and am so glad that one thing that has come about in my life as I get older is obedience. Blind obedience. I have learned that it is of the utmost importance when you are following Him. Obey even when you do not understand. Even when you do not see the big picture and it does not make sense, you must just obey. It is for your own good and for HIS purpose.

When I got involved with the organization, I really felt that this may be a door opening. We had different passions, but seemed to have the same vision. It looked like a prefect fit. I know that I did the right thing by getting involved when I did. I just think God had a different reason for it happening than we all did. He used it to get us to Guatemala. There we got a glimpse of what it was going to be like working as a family on the mission field. It felt good. It felt right. It was a sneak-peek into the future. We also met an incredible family that we would have never met and fell in love with all of them. A friendship for life was formed. Then we came home and He spoke quietly to my heart and told me what I needed to do. I struggled. He got louder, but still spoke softly. I prayed and listened and then obeyed. I thought that once I obeyed, He would still speak and share more. He did. But it wasn't what I expected.

He did not give me much, at least not from my perspective. He just whispered, "Prepare." Prepare?????? That seems to be the only thing I need to do. Well, if you know anything about me, you know I am a PLANNER. That is sort of like preparing, right? NOPE!!!!! Read the definitions for these 2 words below.


planning used as a noun: A scheme, program, or method worked out beforehand for the accomplishment of an objective: a plan of attack. 2. A proposed or tentative project or course of ...

planning used as a verb: to formulate a scheme or program for the accomplishment, enactment or attainment of...

preparing equip in advance for a particular purpose or event; to undergo training or instruction in preparation for a particular role or function
preparation - the activity of putting or setting in order in advance of some act or purpose


After reading these and meditating on their meanings in regard to this situation, I understood my role better. We are to spend our time in His word and prayer, allowing Him to equip us for His plan. His plan. It is not ours. I am not to try to figure out the hows, whens and wheres. It is not my plan. or our plan. He needs NO help with the plan. He has it figured out and has had it figured out since the beginning of time. It is not new to Him. It is the destiny He has designed for my family since the very foundations. I am new on the scene. Not Him. I am the one that is now ready to get on board His ship and abandon mine. You remember... my ship called My Life that we discussed earlier.... Now, I want to show up and start figuring it all out pronto and when He doesn't move to my specifications, I decide to 'plan', instead of 'prepare'. BIG difference and He has spend the last 4 months teaching me the difference.

As this year ends and I stand on the brink of 2010, I have decided some things (thanks to Him). I need to manage my time more wisely. I need to keep my eyes focused on HIM and HIM alone. Not on what others are doing or not doing. Not on trivial things happening to me and around me. I need to rid my ship of things that are earthly and load it up with the eternal things. Just because I got off-course by allowing the cares and things of this life on board my ship, doesn't mean He has abandoned the call on our lives. It is still there and He still has a plan. We will spend the next year preparing, while He begins to reveal and unfold HIS plan for my family's lives. A plan that will be perfect and will bring glory to His name and His kingdom.

As I look back on 2009, I see growth that has taken place. We found a church home that we love and know HE sent us to. It is what we have been looking and longing for many years and did not feel existed any more. I see mistakes that I have made and I see more that everything that has happened in my life is for His purpose. He uses it all. He does not require perfection, but willingness. Willingness to step out and obey. Blindly following His lead. I am done with living comfortably. It has left me unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I admit that I like things. I am blessed. For a few months, I felt guilty because of it. I struggled with how can I say I am called to the mission field and working with orphans that have nothing, when I have so much and like some of my things (ie, purses, clothes, shoes, etc) God used some one to ask me a very pivotal question. They asked me "if the door opened tomorrow for you to leave all of this behind and you could take nothing with you but your family and the clothes on your back, would you go or would you hesitate? " I was able to honestly answer that question with the one answer... "Go" I would leave it all behind and go. My greatest fear has become waking up for the rest of my life with this pull and desire to go and having to stay here and continue on with the mundaneness of my everyday life. I want to wake up and spend the rest of my days loving and caring for the 'least of these' in ways that my brain can't yet wrap around. My friend reminded me that the stuff doesn't have me- I have the stuff. I can rid myself of it and be fine. If it were the other way around, it would be a problem. Others may try to judge me and question my heart (and they have over the last 2 months), but God alone knows and I rest in that comfort.

I hope I have made sense and you are able to see what I am trying really hard to convey. I am greatly anticipating 2010. I feel like the slate has been wiped clean, our course is charted and the horizon is getting closer... that speck is getting bigger and clearer and we are on our way to fulfilling the call. I know there are rough waters ahead and that we will fall overboard into the icy waters of uncomfortable living and I have never looked forward to it more in my life! I am ready to be broken by Him and for Him and follow Him into the unknown!


By the way, I am not going private. I was thinking about it because certain things I blogged about were veing used against me by another person and I thought by going private where they could not read it, it would solve the problem. The Lord has since shown me that I need to forgive and move on and not let them hinder me anymore. I wrote from my heart about things that happened on our trip to Guatemala and how God changed some attitudes in me and then it was used in a negative way towards me. I will not let them silence me and will let God take care of them. So... I am not going private. I hope you will continue to read. I will be posting regularly this year. It is one of my goals! :)

Going private

I have decided to go private with my blog. I have been thinking about it for a while (actually toying with it since Bella came home) and think it is the best thing for my family at this time. I know I don't post often and have lost some readers because of it. But... if you are still with me and would like to continue reading and checking in, send me an email at asalemi@cox.net and I will send you an invite. I will do it at the first of December.

Lots has been happening and I would love to post more often, but the truth is that I am working a good ways away from my school and spend a good bit on the road, Jake is in football and has homework every night and Bella.. well she IS 3! LOL

Jake was student of the month during October and finished his 1st 9 weeks in the fourth grade at a new school on the A Honor Roll! I am SO proud of him! He is such an amazing kid with such a love for life and others. God has blessed me beyond measure, for sure!

Bella is talking in complete, clear sentences and boy does she have ALOT to say, in a SASSY way! She is spunky, funny and FULL of personality. She is also head-strong and can be relentless in wanting her way. Definitely different than Jake. It is so wild to me to be able to see the differences between girls and boys at such an early age. She loves to have her toes painted just like Mommy and always has some toy (or many stuffed animals) and bags that have to leave the house with us or go to bed with us. I LOVE IT!! She is student of the week in her class this week.

I promise to post pics this week... you won't believe how much they have grown! Really I WILL post them by the end of this weekend. Notice, I gave myself PLENTY of time to do this!

Don't forget to leave me a comment with your e-mail address or send me an e-mail.